If you're anything like me, hugs for you are essential. Unfortunately for me I am not in any relationship that allows for even just 1 hug on a daily basis, but that's a whole other story to explore some other time.
As of late, I have been thinking a lot about hugs... probably more than ever before. I have been thinking about the various ways we hug, the various reasons we hug, the various meanings of a hug, the various people we hug and something that I never really thought too much about.. the timing of a hug.
When it comes to the way we hug, we as humans use quite a variety of different hugs. I'm just going to touch on a few. The most popular probably is the "Everyday hug". This hug involves the arms around the neck or waist, heads resting on shoulders and body contact. This is probably the hug most of us use 99% of the time w/o a second thought be it for a friend, relative, client, patient, man, woman or child. While the feelings and meanings behind the hug differ the appearance of the hug is the same---for those of us that are huggers. Then you have the side by side hug usually hip to hip with arms wrapped around the shoulders or the waist. There are gentle hugs like those we tenderly give to the frail like the sick the elderly and the very young. You've got big, hearty bear hugs, coming up behind you and wrapping your arms around someone's neck hugs, the barely there hug which includes a pat on the back and the cheek to cheek but no body contact hug. However you hug, while it may look the same your hugs are uniquely yours and no one gives a hug quite like you.
Then... we hug for a variety of reasons. We hug as a way of bringing comfort to someone. When we have no words this hug seems to sum it all up. We hug when we're excited. We hug because we care. We hug for no reason at all.. just because. We hug when we love someone. Sometimes we hug out of obligation. we hug as a way of showing respect and we hug because we need human touch to thrive emotionally.
I suppose the meaning of a hug and our reasons pretty much go hand in hand. A hug can convey to someone that we love them, that we care for them, that we respect them, that we're sorry, that we're excited, that we're there for them, that we support them and to bring comfort to them when they're struggling.
Now, for the timing of a hug. While hugs are usually a welcome intrusion on our personal space there is a time and place for hugs. A hug given at an inappropriate time can have an array of outcomes and almost always a variety of lasting effects. Some short term, some quite memorable and some possibly unforgettable. It's probably a good rule of thumb in my opinion, not to hug someone who's crying if you really don't know them. Not everyone who is crying requires a hug or even wants one. I personally do not welcome hugs from strangers 99.999% of the time and ditto goes for a hug from a stranger when I am upset. That being said, there is that .001% of people that I meet that I would hug right away and off the top of my head I can think of even a smaller % that I would hug instantaneously w/o even have spoken to them before. I think I can count on one hand for sure how many times someone I never met and never spoke to came up and hugged me and I was ok with it.
Some instances where you might want to hold off on a hug: hugging the member of a wedding or the person officiating the wedding DURING the wedding, hugging someone on the toilet, proceeding to hug the Pastor in the middle of a sermon and well, I think you catch my drift. Then there are times when the timing of a hug is simply impeccable and whats better yet is when that happens and the giver of the hug has no idea and the receiver of the hug is pleasantly surprised. As the giver of a hug you may hug someone out of habit or because they motioned to you that they needed a hug and never really know or think about the effects of a hug. In the same instance, receiving a hug whether solicited or unsolicited can have a surprising effect when the timing and the setting and the person are all in harmony.
So, you may be wondering what triggered this in depth blog about hugs or maybe you are simply thinking that I must have no life to spend so much time blogging about something like hugs.
I have someone in my life whom I have known less than a year. They were that 1 in a million that hugged me the moment we met before we ever even exchanged words... and, I was ok with that =) Yes, a complete stranger hugged me about the same time that we exchanged our first words, a polite greeting of some sort and while taken by surprise I was completely ok w/ that... a SUPER rarity for anyone who knows me much to any degree. I scarcely welcome conversation from strangers let alone hugs!
A hug when we saw each other became like a meaningful habit. Nearly every time we saw each other we'd hug before we parted. I say meaningful habit because I don't believe that our hugs are ever exchanged just cuz that's what we do or just for the hell of it. I believe that there is a reason and meaning that flows w/ every hug. W/ that being said I'll continue my emphasis on timeliness. For me personally, the way that I feel when we hug goodbye is basically always the same. It's always nice and a good way to say goodbye. However, one day this week that all changed and triggered this blog and a song that I wrote.
It was my 1st day at a new job. Everything was new... getting up and getting ready at 5:30 in the morning, getting all my make up on, getting some breakfast during my commute, the commute itself, a new place to spend 8 hours of my day, new people to interact with, learning my way around my new surroundings... you name it, it was new. I had a rough 1st day I think just being allergic to stupidity mixed with the fact that basically for the last 27 months I have not had regular daily interaction with humans for the most part and my interactions were severely limited in comparison to most of those in the work force. So, at 3:30 when my first day came to a close I could not have been happier. I needed to breathe and I needed to try and compose myself for the next leg of my journey before heading home.
During my commute to my next destination the events of the day that had me boiling just brewed and boiled even more. I was beyond your normal levels of irritated or agitated. I took the time to YELL at the top of my lungs as I drove hoping to alleviate some of the irritability, but there came no relief. Finally I am face to face with someone I am hoping will bring me some relief. At best I figured that I would get to blast off about what put me in such a foul mood and at worst it might be pointed out that I could possibly be being over the top and irrational or trying to dissect why the events of the day landed me in this awful space and state of mind. Boy was I in for a surprise!
I am not sure why, but when we get together we usually do not hug upon meeting up with each other, usually just when we say goodbye so I feel it was kind of presumptuous of me to walk in and stand there with my arm outstretched and not budge without getting a hug. Not that I was standing there alone awkwardly or anything, I mean, it all did just kind of seem to flow together but I'm sure they noticed.
Without skipping a beat we hug, I rest my head on their shoulder for what was probably 3-4 seconds max and I let out a sigh of relief and they ask , knowing it's my 1st day back to work, if I am tired. I purpose not to answer at that exact moment because of something that was taking place for me. For what was just a few seconds and your normal, every day hug, this time it felt totally different. I don't know how else to explain it other than to feel like for those few seconds that I was melting. Not in any lovey dovey sort of way, but almost like a deep relaxation sort of way. If you have ever had a hug whether it was from your mom, another relative, a very close friend or perhaps a child that just was this amazing space to be in you might have an idea of what I am talking about. For me, it was the timing of this hug that made it feel different.
I have not been able to get that feeling out of my head. It was so different and more than that it caught me off guard and was a pleasant surprise. I finally answer them and say that I am overwhelmed. I lounge on the couch and proceed to go over what has me so furious. They have NEVER seen this side of me, at least not to this extreme. I am loud and let more than a few 4 letter words fly and they proceed to tell me that I am "grouchy" to which I sassily reply "tell me something I DON'T know!" I think that they are more than surprised at my behavior at this point, but are very good about hiding it if they are.
During the course of our time together even as I was talking seemingly non-stop, all the while I cannot get out of my head that different feeling that I had upon our initial hug. When we part and hug goodbye that hug is just like it always had been and my mind immediately begins to wonder what the difference was and I pondered that on my way home and into the evening.
The next day I set out to write a poem about hugs and put this new experience that I had into words and I ended up writing a song... which launched the Gr8 Deb8 about a hug vs. an embrace... which I will blog about next. Since then I have not been able to get that feeling out of my mind. My only guess that makes sense is that in that moment that we hugged it was the first comfortable and familiar thing that I had in my life all day with the exception of driving and it was perfect timing. Everything else was new and different and unfamiliar and I was just on overload and so when I received that hug at the end of a long day the comfortable, familiarity was instead of just being the normal hug it always had been it took on a whole different vibe for those few seconds.
Am I silly? No, but I won't argue with you if you call me a sentimental sap. I don't know that I will ever realize exactly what made that hug feel different than the others other than the timing, but that moment will stick with me for a very long time and when I can no longer remember that moment I can refer to this blog to relive it and hopefully remember it once again.
If I get brave and am still wondering what made that moment feel different I may make myself vulnerable enough to run it past my therapist and let her weigh in on it. Her level of insight FAR exceeds mine... hence she is a Dr. and I am NOT and I can always count on her for these reasonable, yet amazing explanations that make more than TOTAL sense that I could never come up with on my own.
I promise if I receive any insight I will be sure to share!
If you have any insight you would like to share be sure to sound off in the comments section.
Join me for the next blog where we continue the hug chat in the Gr8 Deb8: A hug vs. an embrace.
So long inquiring minds!
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