Motivational Mondays Double Feature: Weeks 15 & 16

16 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays.  I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey. I have heard that your amount of growth is directly related to how uncomfortable you are willing to get.  Join me this year as I get uncomfortable and get up off my duff.

So, on weeks 15 & 16 I decided to tackle #2 & #3:  Do not sit alone in the back row at church and introduce myself to someone at church I don't know

So, guys & dolls, you are getting a double feature because last week being Easter and all I TOTALLY forgot to blog!  I was hoping to make it thru the year w/o that happening.  I suppose I am fortunate w/ my memory it didn't happen sooner.  So, #2 Do not sit alone in the back row at church.  I have a habit no matter how early I get to church when I can have my pick of any seat, prime real estate for me is the last row.  Not just at church either. Classroom settings, you name it.  If there's a back row I don't just want Park Place, but I want the Boardwalk too and that means that I am in the back row on the center aisle end seat w/ my purse in the seat next to me.  Hey, unless it's THAT crowded I like a space bubble around me.  Space invaders are only welcome upon invitation.  I know, not very Christ-like and I'm not quite sure when or how this came to be, but I'm workin' on it..cut me some slack.  

Easter Sunday I sat up a few seats from the back and had some friends who ended up "sitting w/ me".  We had another church joining us and so it was decided in the middle of worship that we should all do something very "churchy" and introduce ourselves to someone that we did not know...as you can imagine this is not my forte' and I rolled my eyes saying "I knew it" to anyone who could hear me mutter.

The row behind me happened to be a slew of handsome young men from the visiting church.  When I sat back down I immediately grabbed for my sanitizer as I am somewhat of a germaphobe and I HATE shaking hands and not being able to sanitize...totally grosses me out and preoccupies my already bouncy A.D.D. mind.  Wow! Killed 2 goals in one day... yay me!

So, I came to the decision that shaking hands w/ strange eye candy on Easter is really not all that bad.


Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" #2 rates a 3 and #3 rates a 9 (1 point off for being handsome).

So, @ the end of the 16th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.  

Just 39 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week 

Alright, later gators!  And remember to get up off your duffs!

LMAO... an old lady, a pastor and a condom

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. 

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.


Posted here so i could post on twitter.. didn't know how else to do it! =)

Escaping your FAT reality

If TMI and BLUNT HONESTY offend you then I would suggest you wait for my next post and close the door on this one.

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What I am writing about is MY reality and MY feelings.  If you feel that you fall into the category I am discussing and are bothered or offended--then confront me so we can have an open, honest, ADULT discussion.  My post is an outlet for things that I am facing in therapy and perhaps there is a reader who needs to be told what I've been told.  My blog is not meant to solicit in any way, shape, or form differing opinions in the form of compliments. I am not "FISHING" for anything nor is this meant to be a pity party. This is simply MY reality that I live with and have lived with everyday for as long as I can remember and my therapists possible solution and my thoughts and reactions to that.

For those of you who don't know I have very strong opinions about fat.  My fat, other people's fat...doesn't matter...my opinions are strong and I will not apologize for them. That's why I said earlier if you get offended or hurt by my post (which is not about YOU) then you need to confront me so we can discuss it.  

This is not the first time in my life that I have had a therapist (and others) confront me about my self esteem and the way I view myself.  All in one way or another basically telling me that the way I view myself is not healthy and it needs to change.  However, no one ever said to me that what I have been doing my whole life hasn't worked well for me and what IF, just what IF I was wrong and there was another way to see things.  What about IF my view is not clear and there is ANOTHER view... all these "What If's" to consider... AFTER of course arguing my point that I don't know HOW to see anything else.  

How do you be ok with something that's ugly and disgusting?  How do you accept something you cannot stand, something you hate, something about yourself that is purely putrid?

YES, I do believe that if I were to be able to look in the mirror and honestly still say that I was content or that I accepted myself "as is" that I would be settling, meaning that it's ok to be fat and for ME it's not.  And, YES, I do believe that if I settle there w/b no reason for me not to get bigger except it makes me feel suicidal and having put on 23 lbs so far in 2014 I am getting close to that point.

Admittedly, I am addicted.  It's not an excuse, it's the embarrassing truth.  Sharing a food journal for 1 day would be horrifying let alone sharing it for one week!

I could put all sorts of  labels on the "why's"; depression, boredom, emotions, childhood trauma, PTSD, it's a wall so people don't get too close, blah, blah, blah.  The truth is I really don't know.  Mabe I am just like the stereotypical 600 lb person on TV who's just lazy, stuffing their face.

Admittedly, I eat too fast and I eat too much and I eat too late and I don't eat healthy.  I eat preservative loaded "fast food" that can usually be prepared in less than 5 minutes in the microwave; food that has that special ingredient that makes your body just crave more.

I eat when I'm full, just because and I have a hard time leaving food on my plate since for 17 years it was basically drilled into my head that I had to "clean up all on my plate". Many times when I am absolutely full I will press thru and "clean up my plate" and make myself sick.  I don't know how to waste food and it's usually not enough for leftovers.

I have no idea how to fight this demon that's a necessity.  It's not like drugs or alcohol that you can live w/o.  Our bodies HAVE to be nourished.  I am tempted regularly to return to a Bulimic lifestyle.  But, even if I lose the weight I will never FULLY lose the fat and I am still stuck w/ my face which is ugly that only plastic surgery can fix...and mabe then, not even.

So even if the fat is lessened since it will never be gone, then I have to figure out how to look in the mirror and be ok w/ my face--this shit is pretty damn hard!

The only reason I'm trying to do this is because I know it's more healthy, not because I believe in it or that I think it matters.  Well, I guess it matters, but I don't see how it benefits me or how my life changes other than for the worse.

So, my therapist challenged me.  Since I have spent my life sending myself negative messages, even though I believe them to be true, WHAT ABOUT IF I'M WRONG?  She is only asking me to consider the possibility that I might be wrong and that there is more to me than the fat and the ugly that are all I can see in the mirror.  She wants me to take the time to look in my eyes and see if I can see anything else.  I never look in my eyes except when I am doing my make up and I have never looked for anything else other than their color or to see if they showed signs of me being noticeably drunk.. ha ha.

She asks me to consider the possibility since what I have been doing my whole life hasn't worked so why not try something else.  My question to her was "Am I allowed to fake it till I make it?" since I can see NO OTHER WAY for me to be able to like what I see or see anything else about myself.  That's all there is to me when I look in the mirror..that's all I see and I have no idea how to see anything else, BUT I do know how to act.  I don't know how to act well enough to put this show on 24/7, but every so often...sure...I can pretend I'm fabulous just as I am.. but what a joke!  She laughs and tells me "absolutely" I can fake it till I make it.

We all have voices inside.. not multiple personalities.. but different voices.  This voice has been the one that has been yelling the loudest and the longest and therefore has been getting all the attention and being believed.  Somehow I need to let it know that I hear it but am no longer listening and give another voice a chance to speak and be heard.  The voice that sees more to me than fat and ugliness.  I'm not convinced that I have that voice, but I must somewhere since according to God's word I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."  She asked me what do I say to God about the way that I have been created and I tell her that I tell Him how mad I am, I ask "WHY" and I ask Him what the hell was He thinking?  

I tell her that I look for a mate that has never had a weight problem so that genetically my children have half a chance of not having to go thru what I have been thru.  I w/b very upset if I handed this gene down to my own kids.

So, am I going to escape my FAT reality?  I don't know, but I told my therapist that I would try it her way.  Easy?  Hail no!  But, if I keep doing the same thing I will keep getting the same result so.. let's try something else.  

So, I'm going to fake fabulosity and see where it takes me.

Motivational Mondays Week 14: Use NO Emoticons for one week

14 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays.  I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey. I have heard that your amount of growth is directly related to how uncomfortable you are willing to get.  Join me this year as I get uncomfortable and get up off my duff.

So, on week 14 I decided to tackle #44:  Use No Emoticons for One Week

For those of you that know me, you know that I use emoticons all the time to express myself and this week it was very difficult.  I found myself getting ready to FB them or Tweet them or write them in my journal or cards and letters and had to REWIND and use *smile* or *wink, wink* instead of =) or ;).  For someone as creatively expressive as myself I found this to be difficult, but not unattainable.

Sorry, not a lot to say this week.  It was a difficult assignment, but one that I achieved nonetheless.

Have a happy week readers!

Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" this weeks challenge rates a 6.

So, @ the end of the 14th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.  

Just 39 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week 

Alright, later gators!  And remember to get up off your duffs!

Motivational Mondays week 13: Iron clothes for an hour straight

13 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays.  I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey. I have heard that your amount of growth is directly related to how uncomfortable you are willing to get.  Join me this year as I get uncomfortable and get up off my duff.

So, on week 13 I decided to tackle #28. Iron Clothes for an Hour Straight

Anyone who really knows me knows that I despise having to dress up.  It isn't that I don't like wearing nice things but I don't like being uncomfortable and even more I don't like to be hot and sweaty. So, I don't really have the clothes that need to be ironed, but fortunately for me for this challenge I had someone else's clothes to iron before taking them to a consignment shoppe.

As you can probably guess I do not have an iron or ironing board so I had to make due w/ what I do have and that meant borrowing my mom's iron and using the large ottoman in the living room as an ironing board.

I got to ironing and not only did I end up ironing for 1 hour, but I ended up ironing for over 2 hours!!  It was grueling and I don't want to EVER have to do it again.  I was happy though when I got to the consignment shoppe and they accepted all my items cuz if they aren't ironed well enough they will hand them back to you and tell you to iron them better and return them to the store if you wish to sell them and I didn't want that to happen and was glad they accepted 46 items out of about 60-65.


Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" this weeks challenge rates a 10.

So, @ the end of the 13th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.  

Just 40 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week 

Alright, later gators!  And remember to get up off your duffs!