Motivational Mondays Week 3: Eating Out Alone

3 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays.  I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey.  If I'm ever going to be a Reality TV Star I can't be a bore so I've decided to get up off my duff.  =)

So, I set out this week to go out to eat by myself...probably the hardest thing on my list, hence I decided to try and get it done and over with at the beginning of the year.

This really wasn't the day for it...and I should've known not to attempt something so difficult on a day when I forget to take my meds... but I'm stubborn and wanted it out of the way so I decided to make my attempt on Thursday.

I was feeling pretty good pulling into the parking lot and found a prime front row parking space.  I get out of the car and head into the restaurant.  I decided to make it easy on myself so I went into McDonald's since most people drive thru rather than eat in.

I was smothered by the overwhelming scent of grease as I headed for the counter.  I was still ok as I scanned the menu items for the smallest and least messy item I could find.  The kind man behind the register asked me what I would like and I answered "I'll have a 4 piece nugget and do you have honey mustard sauce?"  he answers "yes" and I tell him that I would like a small fountain drink.  My anxiety level is only slightly elevated and I am pleasantly surprised until the kind man asks "Will that be for here or to go?" As it becomes obvious now that I am there alone and will be eating alone since there is no one else in line I quickly utter "here" and my anxiety climbs.

As my levels of anxiety rise and he hands me my order I slink over to the fountain machine for my Sprite.  Once filled, I turn around and look at my seating options.  There is an old man in front of me that is sitting alone who looks pathetic by himself and I realize in a few minutes that I am going to join that lonely losers club when I sit down to eat alone.  There is the table right in front of the front doors.. no thanks.. anyone and everyone coming into Mc Donalds or the attached convenient store will be looking at me as I attempt to "nourish" myself at this fine establishment.  The other options are a table beside a mom with 4 girls all under about the age of 11 or so.. no thanks.  I don't need them looking at me praying that when they grow up they hope to God that they don't find themselves sitting alone eating dinner at Mc Donalds.  My last option is a corner booth.  There are 2 construction workers sitting on the other side and my options are to sit facing them or sit with my back to them facing the front window where the whole world can look at me pitifully as I sit and eat alone.

I take my seat and stare out the window.  It is taking all I have to stay in my seat and not grab my food and drink and run out to the car to devour it perhaps still alone, but out of sight and who feels alone in the car when you're enjoying Liza Minnelli?

I feel tortured.  My heart is beating out of my chest.  I am sure that I am going to have a heart attack right here on the spot.  I am sure that my pressure is dangerously high right now as I sit for a moment and tell myself to breathe.

I finally tell myself that it's now or never and the longer that I put this off the more brutal it will become.  I open up my box of nuggets and dip.  I glance nervously around as I take my first bite, completely humiliated at this point. As I watch the people out pumping their cars full of gas I am relieved to see that they don't even seem to know that I exist, let alone am woefully eating by myself.

I feel pathetic, sad, lonely, emotionally brutalized, isolated, secluded and lonesome.  I take my tray to the can to empty it as fast as possible so that I can get out of there.  

I get in the car and my mind is consumed by the event and I vow then and there that I will NEVER willingly eat out alone again.  I stepped out of my comfort zone in one of the worst possible ways and it was awful, but I will not let these turn of events hinder me from continued growth.  I will attempt yet again this week one of the next hardest items on my list hoping to rid myself of the worst of it here in the beginning of the year so that I do not have to dread it later on.

My anxiety begins to slowly diminish as I drive away and my pressure is slowly returning to a more normal pace instead of one that is pounding out of every pore.

While this is not something I will ever do again, I am proud of myself for following thru even when I was presented to do so under the not so best of circumstances.


So, @ the end of the 3rd week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.  

Just 50 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the derive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week 

Motivational Mondays: Week 2 Clue: The Musical

1 week ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays.  I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey.  If I'm ever going to be a Reality TV Star I can't be a bore so I've decided to get up off my duff.  =)

So, after a hiccup in last weeks attempt to audition for a stage play, this week it went off without a hitch.  It's one of the things that I LOVE to do but haven't made myself get up off my duff to do it and I have not pursued a stage other than "America's Got Talent"  in the last 12 years.  After working a full day or night last thing I wanted to do before or after work is 3 1/2 hours of practice and be there at 9 a.m. on Saturdays for 3 hours.  I have also been plagued with memory issues and was slightly afraid that I would not be able to handle the memorization needed for a show, especially a lead role... always my personal goal.  Mostly, I did not want to drag myself out of my bed and out of the house for the necessary practices.

How will this time be different?  I don't know.. I mean I am taking on more than I think I can even handle. This show has many possible endings, so since the audience get's to choose who dies that changes the dialogue every night so that they get the ending that they voted for.   Basically, I will have 6 scripts to memorize... I-Yi-Yi!

Am I going to be able to get up off my duff for practices on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday nights and Saturday mornings a total of 10 hours a week.  That's a lot of time away from my nice, warm, comfy bed and it means that on work nights I will be getting home when I am usually in bed... it is a stretch and taking me wayyyyy out of my comfort zone that I have come to love dearly and that is the warmth and coziness of my home and bed.  I believe that I want it MORE than I want my bed.  I have missed it so much and really realized that at auditions.

I was there a few hours early because I refused to go home and come back and fight the evening commuters. I went in and was 3rd in line for everything from getting photographed to all the auditions.  We were not given the music or scripts more than a few minutes before we had to audition which meant not a lot of prep time.  We also had to open by doing a scene Improv and when the director said freeze we would freeze and then she would change our emotion for the next part of the scene.  I am no good at Improv.. I was ok but I realized after the fact that when we unfroze I always waited for her to say a line first instead of just doing it myself.

1st audition was for the part that we wanted.  I want to be Mrs Peacock.  She's a 40 something, manipulative, sexy, seductress who is on husband number 6... the other 5 died but she has somehow evaded being charged with the death of any of them.  I, however, am not so closed minded that she is all I want and \if I don't get her I don't want anything.  So, I stayed with a few others to audition for additional parts.  Next, I auditioned for Miss Scarlet... an actress and Mrs. White, a fun loving, cockney maid.  It was fun, but nerve wracking.  Everything was done in front of everybody.  Then we had to sing and the girls don't get the melody we get the harmony... not my strong suit at all. =(

I left the theatre feeling good even tho I would have been in my warm, cozy bed by then...I was happy enough for it not to matter too much.

We were told that by Friday at 3 the results w/b posted for callbacks.  Well, 3 came and went, then 4 and I think even then 5... I was so anxious.  I just wondered if I would get one step closer to doing the show and I didn't want to wait any longer.  I finally decided to post on their FB page and ask if I had missed the posting. Someone very nice got on and said that I had not and that the results would be up shortly.  I waited and waited and then finally read the post.  I WAS CHOSEN!!!!!!  I was so excited!  This was quite the week for me personally so this was a great way to end the week.

The next morning I drug myself out of bed for callbacks and thought to myself.. "Is this REALLY going to be worth it?  You will have to be there every Saturday form 9-12"  not to mention Monday, Tuesday and Thursday for 3.5 hours each.  As I was getting dressed sleepily I decided that I wanted to do this show more than I wanted to stay in my bed and in my rut.

There were 11 people at callbacks and 8 parts.  We started the day with some Improv and had a blast... got everyone loosened up.  Then we had to sing a 4 part harmony song.  I could not for the life of me get it and get it strong... I am sure that I blew my chances at the coveted role of Mrs. Peacock.  Then we went on to do readings.  They handed out parts of the script and told you who they wanted you to read and then they would switch people and switch parts.  I did Mrs. Peacock and Mrs. White.  I have a feeling that if I get a role it will be Mrs. White due to my inability to find my harmony notes needed for Mrs. Peacock.

So, I waited with great anticipation for them to announce who got parts in the musical only to find out I wasn't one of them.

I am bummed, but I just got done telling someone this morning that if I did get it it was possible it might be too much with undertaking a new job and having to move on top of all the rehearsals.  So, while I am bummed I still had fun and the beginning of March they are having auditions for another show that will start the beginning of June so.. I will probably audition for that.  

Still, mission accomplished.  I got up off my duff this week and did something new and exciting.


So, @ the end of the 2nd week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.  

Just 51 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the derive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week 

Motivational Mondays Week 1

1 week ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays.  I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey.  If I'm ever going to be a Reality TV Star I can't be a bore so I've decided to get off my duff.  =)

We all have our comfort zones-some more, some less.  I have made my comfort zones a way of life for the better part of the last 10-15 years.  It wasn't until therapy that I realized I had so many comfort zones.  My journey in comfort zone realization began when my therapist suggested I move my laptop out of my room... ??WHAT??  Did you BUMP your head???!!!  There IS no other place but using a lap top in a nice comfy bed!  You're probably thinking that it's no big deal and you use yours all over the house.  Well, since I got my laptop in 2k8 if I was using it at home I was using it in bed!  I even got a laptop table with a built in mousepad so that my computer wouldn't overheat sitting on my lap.  THIS WAS A BIG DEAL!

As we set forth to work on and eventually conquer some other comfort zones as well as phobias my mind began to think of the many comfort zones that I had and how they had become a way of life.  I use the word life loosely because the more aware of my comfort zones I became the more I realized I really wasn't living... I was just existing in the nearly same day to day rut. So, what a perfect time to change that than w/ the start of a New Year.

This week as I perused my list carefully I decided that if I was going to be successful that I should divide and conquer.  I am usually NOT a procrastinator and Motivational Mondays would be no exception.  I went thru the list and marked all the items that I felt w/b the hardest for me and then I numbered them in the order I think I would like to try to accomplish them and decided to get the icky stuff out of the way.  I think there w/b nothing worse than getting to the end of the year with all those holidays and be stuck doing the hardest things on my list so I want to get it done and over with.  There are 19 weeks of REALLY, SUPER DOOPER uncomfortable or difficult items for me to conquer so it looks like 2014 is going to start off grossly uncomfortable. With the exception of this week that's my goal.  This week I did not choose one of the 19 cuz what I chose I only have a few options a year for, so I decided to get it out of the way now not knowing if or when I will have another chance this year.

So, week 1, Motivational Mondays I have decided to conquer #4--Audition for a stage show.  I love the stage.  I love to look at it, I love to watch shows on it but most of all I like to perform on it!  However, it has been over a decade since I have done a show or auditioned for that matter with the 2k9 exception when I auditioned for America's Got Talent in NYC.  So here is how my audition went.  First of all I am auditioning for Clue: The Musical.  I think there are 8 characters total and only 3 of them are women.  I have never played the game so I haven't a clue-pun intended-about the game so I'm already starting off lost.  My journey begins Wednesday, January 8, 2014 @ appx. 4:30 p.m.when I arrived at Harrisburg Christian Performing Arts Theatre formerly known as YFC (Youth For Christ).  The auditions weren't until 6:30 but I didn't want to fight the evening commuters in traffic getting there and I wanted to be there first.  Perhaps I would get to audition first and get it done and over with.  I LOVE doing shows... I LOATHE auditioning!  I waited in the car, in the cold, spying on a blonde haired cutie milling around every so often.  At 5:30 some people arrive and they go inside so I decide to do the same.I enter the building and as I get a peek at the stage my heart jumped with delight.  I hadn't realized how much I was missing this atmosphere.  I took a seat and when the blonde man appeared I immediately go into "I know I am really early but is it ok for me to wait in here?"  He looks puzzled and then asks me if I am here for Clue?  I answer "yes" and he very apologetically tells me that there has been a short hold on the show and that auditions w/b Monday or Tuesday of next week.  BUMMER!  

So I didn't actually achieve the goal that I set out to do , but I gave it my best shot and will make my attempts again next week.  However, the week was not a total fail.  I ended up accomplishing #10 --Write a very personal song and share it with someone--

After much deliberation and him-hauling around I finally got the courage to share my song.  You may find this odd, but singing in front of one person is WAYYYY worse than singing in front of 100 or 1,000.  Fewer people terrify me !  So, not only was I stepping out of my comfort zone to share something very personal I was stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing it one on one.  As I stared at my song in my notebook I determined that I would let them read the song lyrics, get their reaction before I put myself out there singing it.  This ended up being a very wise choice that put me a little more at ease when they told me "it was very lovely".  My thoughts raced, my heart pounded and I felt they deserved to hear it with the music so I took a deep breath and asked "Do you want to hear the music?"  With a hearty "Sure!"  I had put myself on the spot.  Well, here goes nothing.  I eeked out the song messing up the beginning of the 2nd verse but simply continuing and not making the disappointed faces I usually make and went on to complete the song.  They said "That's really very beautiful."  WHEW!  I had EXTREME jitters but it wasn't the "Nightmare On Elm Street" that I had imagined it could be.

I had reservations about sharing the song.  There was this battle between my heart and my head and I battled it for a week.  My heart said that it w/b fine to share the song and my head argued that it c/b misinterpreted.  After a week of this battle in my head I was asked "Which one usually serves you better?  Acting on what's in your heart or acting on what's in your head?"  That was a no-brainer and I answered "most definitely my heart."  and with that being said I decided to trust my instincts, stop this raging war in my head, make myself vulnerable and share the song...my personal sentiments set to music.

So, @ the end of the 1st week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.  

Just 51 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the derive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week 

The Gr8 Deb8: A hug vs. an embrace

Originated 1.3.14, Friday @ 10:48 a.m.

While writing a poem that ended up morphing into a song there came this gr8 deb8.  Not gr8 as in epic, but gr8 as in good conversation and food for thought.  The gr8 deb8- - - A hug vs. an embrace.

While the word "hug" is the more common terminology, to me it w/b accurate to say that the 2 words are equally interchangeable.  I set out to write a poem about a hug/hugging/hugs and being that my flair for poetry writing really only works for me if it rhymes I had a very hard time getting my point across and telling my story using the word "hug".  Frustrated, but not terribly so, I seemingly w/o thought chose to use the word "embrace."  To me they are one in the same, but are they?

As I began 2 write I notice a difference immediately.  My words flowed easily and hip, hip hooray I was on my way.  Once it became apparent that my poem was moving in a different direction and becoming a song I steadily wrote my story to a fractured melody in my head.  As I wrote I felt pleased with what I was conveying.  I was taking a moment in time and then expanding upon it. While my song is very specific to a specific moment of my life and the expansion that followed thereafter I believe that I am not alone in my experience.

I was still keenly aware that if I was ever going to reach past more than just 1 person I was going to have to open up my writing so that it wasn't so specific and others could relate to my story.  I don't really set my mind to do that but somehow it always does and this was no exception...EXCEPT some specific phrasing in verse 1 that could easily be adapted to fit nearly any situation that the song c/b applied to. 

As my writing comes to and end I am feeling really good about what I have conveyed to the listener.  In my heart I know my story, I told my story and there is no doubt in my mind that it will be seen in any other way.  I thought it was cut & dry, to the point, nothing more, nothing less.

Then I began to go over the song in my head w/ the melody- working out the kinks, doing some editing, working on timing, phrasing and flow.  Unfortunately for me I get inside my head too much and for too long to which there is usually some sort of consequence to pay for doing so.  The consequence here being my song that just  minutes ago conveyed a story in a clear and concise manner has taken on a whole other life of it's own and in my mind has now gone in a totally different direction... and if I'm thinking it can be completely misinterpreted how much more so might the person to whom the song is written about?  So this was how the gr8 deb8 was launched.  

In the middle of my therapy session I decide to pop the question... no-- nothing like THAT.  I ask my Dr. if she thinks there's a difference between the 2 words or were they equally interchangeable?  She thinks for a moment and her answer is they are different.  I am not actually sure myself at this point and feel I have valid arguments for both sides but for the sake of my song I battle for them to be equal.  My 1st argument to prove my point is presented as this:  if you were looking at 2 people "hugging" how could you tell if it was a hug or an embrace; sex is irrelevant.  My point taken she now scurries for her phone and her ever popular answer for just about everything she doesn't know or is unsure about--let's google it.  

She googles hug vs. embrace.  She comes across one that answers favorably to her as I scramble to the almighty Thesaurus which answers favorably to me.  Hug meaning embrace and one of the synonyms for embrace... hug.  As my session came to a close I still am not sure that we actually settled or agreed on a conclusion.  So, now that I have spent not just minutes or hours but DAYS in my head over these lyrics I am still left w/ a dilemma.  Do I re-write the song or do I trust that the person the song is written about knows me and my writing well enough to hear the song exactly how it was written and that they totally "get" what I'm saying w/o seeing the song in a totally different light that if that happens could cause them to feel totally different and possibly change our relationship drastically and NOT for the better?

I think more than a misinterpretation I'm more mad feeling as if I don't share it then I do not trust them to know me and my writing well enough to see it just for what it is and nothing else--- so, I'm torn.  Do you think that not sharing means I don't trust? Do you think that if the song is misinterpreted that it's their problem and not mine to take on, being as tho I am clear on my intention behind the lyric?

As I still ponder the hug vs. embrace deb8 my conclusion is inconclusive.

Before writing this song I probably would have argued to the death that the 2 were completely interchangeable--one not meaning anything different from the other.  After writing this song and using the word "embrace" as opposed to the word "hug" for aesthetic purposes I can see how in a certain context the word embrace comes off as a word you would use to perhaps describe the action of a couple vs the action of just 2 anybodies.

So, with that being said I am still up in the air about sharing my song.  My heart tells me that it will be just fine and that I'm overreacting because I spent too much time in my head thinking about it and my head says sharing it is going to be a mistake and my worst fears will come true.

Weigh in on what you think in the hug vs. embrace gr8 deb8 and tell me what your thoughts are on me sharing the song.  I want to hear other opinions and see other viewpoints.  Who knows...your opinion may be the nugget of wisdom needed for me to make a final decision and lay this all to rest.

So long inquiring minds!

Some food for thought concerning Hugs

If you're anything like me, hugs for you are essential.  Unfortunately for me I am not in any relationship that allows for even just 1 hug on a daily basis, but that's a whole other story to explore some other time.

As of late, I have been thinking a lot about hugs... probably more than ever before.  I have been thinking about the various ways we hug, the various reasons we hug, the various meanings of a hug, the various people we hug and something that I never really thought too much about.. the timing of a hug.

When it comes to the way we hug, we as humans use quite a variety of different hugs. I'm just going to touch on a few.  The most popular probably is the "Everyday hug".  This hug involves the arms around the neck or waist, heads resting on shoulders and body contact.  This is probably the hug most of us use 99% of the time w/o a second thought be it for a friend, relative, client, patient, man, woman or child.  While the feelings and meanings behind the hug differ the appearance of the hug is the same---for those of us that are huggers.  Then you have the side by side hug usually hip to hip with arms wrapped around the shoulders or the waist.  There are gentle hugs like those we tenderly give to the frail like the sick the elderly and the very young. You've got big, hearty bear hugs, coming up behind you and wrapping your arms around someone's neck hugs, the barely there hug which includes a pat on the back and the cheek to cheek but no body contact hug.  However you hug, while it may look the same your hugs are uniquely yours and no one gives a hug quite like you.

Then... we hug for a variety of reasons.  We hug as a way of bringing comfort to someone.  When we have no words this hug seems to sum it all up.  We hug when we're excited.  We hug because we care.  We hug for no reason at all.. just because.  We hug when we love someone.  Sometimes we hug out of obligation.  we hug as a way of showing respect and we hug because we need human touch to thrive emotionally.

I suppose the meaning of a hug and our reasons pretty much go hand in hand. A hug can convey to someone that we love them, that we care for them, that we respect them, that we're sorry, that we're excited, that we're there for them, that we support them and to bring comfort to them when they're struggling.

Now, for the timing of a hug.  While hugs are usually a welcome intrusion on our personal space there is a time and place for hugs.  A hug given at an inappropriate time can have an array of outcomes and almost always a variety of lasting effects. Some short term, some quite memorable and some possibly unforgettable.  It's probably a good rule of thumb in my opinion, not to hug someone who's crying if you really don't know them.  Not everyone who is crying requires a hug or even wants one.  I personally do not welcome hugs from strangers 99.999% of the time and ditto goes for a hug from a stranger when I am upset.  That being said, there is that .001% of people that I meet that I would hug right away and off the top of my head I can think of even a smaller % that I would hug instantaneously w/o even have spoken to them before.  I think I can count on one hand for sure how many times someone I never met and never spoke to came up and hugged me and I was ok with it.

Some instances where you might want to hold off on a hug: hugging the member of a wedding or the person officiating the wedding DURING the wedding, hugging someone on the toilet, proceeding to hug the Pastor in the middle of a sermon and well, I think you catch my drift.  Then there are times when the timing of a hug is simply impeccable and whats better yet is when that happens and the giver of the hug has no idea and the receiver of the hug is pleasantly surprised.  As the giver of a hug you may hug someone out of habit or because they motioned to you that they needed a hug and never really know or think about the effects of a hug.  In the same instance, receiving a hug whether solicited or unsolicited can have a surprising effect when the timing and the setting and the person are all in harmony.

So, you may be wondering what triggered this in depth blog about hugs or maybe you are simply thinking that I must have no life to spend so much time blogging about something like hugs.

I have someone in my life whom I have known less than a year.  They were that 1 in a million that hugged me the moment we met before we ever even exchanged words... and, I was ok with that =)  Yes, a complete stranger hugged me about the same time that we exchanged our first words, a polite greeting of some sort and while taken by surprise I was completely ok w/ that... a SUPER rarity for anyone who knows me much to any degree.  I scarcely welcome conversation from strangers let alone hugs!

A hug when we saw each other became like a meaningful habit.  Nearly every time we saw each other we'd hug before we parted.  I say meaningful habit because I don't believe that our hugs are ever exchanged just cuz that's what we do or just for the hell of it.  I believe that there is a reason and meaning that flows w/ every hug.  W/ that being said I'll continue my emphasis on timeliness.  For me personally, the way that I feel when we hug goodbye is basically always the same.  It's always nice and a good way to say goodbye.  However, one day this week that all changed and triggered this blog and a song that I wrote.

It was my 1st day at a new job.  Everything was new... getting up and getting ready at 5:30 in the morning, getting all my make up on, getting some breakfast during my commute, the commute itself, a new place to spend 8 hours of my day, new people to interact with, learning my way around my new surroundings... you name it, it was new.  I had a rough 1st day I think just being allergic to stupidity mixed with the fact that basically for the last 27 months I have not had regular daily interaction with humans for the most part and my interactions were severely limited in comparison to most of those in the work force.  So, at 3:30 when my first day came to a close I could not have been happier.  I needed to breathe and I needed to try and compose myself for the next leg of my journey before heading home.  

During my commute to my next destination the events of the day that had me boiling just brewed and boiled even more.  I was beyond your normal levels of irritated or agitated.  I took the time to YELL at the top of my lungs as I drove hoping to alleviate some of the irritability, but there came no relief. Finally I am face to face with someone I am hoping will bring me some relief. At best I figured that I would get to blast off about what put me in such a foul mood and at worst it might be pointed out that I could possibly be being over the top and irrational or trying to dissect why the events of the day landed me in this awful space and state of mind. Boy was I in for a surprise!

I am not sure why, but when we get together we usually do not hug upon meeting up with each other, usually just when we say goodbye so I feel it was kind of presumptuous of me to walk in and stand there with my arm outstretched and not budge without getting a hug.  Not that I was standing there alone awkwardly or anything, I mean, it all did just kind of seem to flow together but I'm sure they noticed.

Without skipping a beat we hug, I rest my head on their shoulder for what was probably 3-4 seconds max and I let out a sigh of relief and they ask , knowing it's my 1st day back to work, if I am tired.  I purpose not to answer at that exact moment because of something that was taking place for me.  For what was just a few seconds and your normal, every day hug, this time it felt totally different.  I don't know how else to explain it other than to feel like for those few seconds that I was melting.  Not in any lovey dovey sort of way, but almost like a deep relaxation sort of way.  If you have ever had a hug whether it was from your mom, another relative, a very close friend or perhaps a child that just was this amazing space to be in you might have an idea of what I am talking about.  For me, it was the timing of this hug that made it feel different.

I have not been able to get that feeling out of my head.  It was so different and more than that it caught me off guard and was a pleasant surprise.  I finally answer them and say that I am overwhelmed.  I lounge on the couch and proceed to go over what has me so furious.  They have NEVER seen this side of me, at least not to this extreme.  I am loud and let more than a few 4 letter words fly and they proceed to tell me that I am "grouchy" to which I sassily reply "tell me something I DON'T know!"  I think that they are more than surprised at my behavior at this point, but are very good about hiding it if they are.

During the course of our time together even as I was talking seemingly non-stop, all the while I cannot get out of my head that different feeling that I had upon our initial hug.  When we part and hug goodbye that hug is just like it always had been and my mind immediately begins to wonder what the difference was and I pondered that on my way home and into the evening.

The next day I set out to write a poem about hugs and put this new experience that I had into words and I ended up writing a song... which launched the Gr8 Deb8 about a hug vs. an embrace... which I will blog about next.  Since then I have not been able to get that feeling out of my mind.  My only guess that makes sense is that in that moment that we hugged it was the first comfortable and familiar thing that I had in my life all day with the exception of driving and it was perfect timing.  Everything else was new and different and unfamiliar and I was just on overload and so when I received that hug at the end of a long day the comfortable, familiarity was instead of just being the normal hug it always had been it took on a whole different vibe for those few seconds.

Am I silly?  No, but I won't argue with you if you call me a sentimental sap.  I don't know that I will ever realize exactly what made that hug feel different than the others other than the timing, but that moment will stick with me for a very long time and when I can no longer remember that moment I can refer to this blog to relive it and hopefully remember it once again.

If I get brave and am still wondering what made that moment feel different I may make myself vulnerable enough to run it past my therapist and let her weigh in on it.  Her level of insight FAR exceeds mine... hence she is a Dr. and I am NOT and I can always count on her for these reasonable, yet amazing explanations that make more than TOTAL sense that I could never come up with on my own.

I promise if I receive any insight I will be sure to share!

If you have any insight you would like to share be sure to sound off in the comments section.

Join me for the next blog where we continue the hug chat in the Gr8 Deb8: A hug vs. an embrace.

So long inquiring minds!