I recently had the unfortunate experience of being locked up against my will in a psychiatric institution. Here are the series of events and please feel free to tell me if you see there is more than ONE thing wrong with this situation or if you totally agree w/ them and why.
On Wed. May 21 I went to Holy Spirit hospital to look into an intensive outpatient program for more intense therapy after learning that my unemployment checks would no longer be coming in the mail leaving me w/ ZERO income. During the course of the inpatient program you meet w/ various therapists for various activities and you meet w/ your psychiatrist (med Dr). In therapy 1, I was pulled to meet w/ mine and during the course of our conversation she happened to ask me if I was taking the 10 mg of prescribed Valium still at bedtime to help me sleep. Being the honest person that I try and claim to be I told her that over the course of the prior 5 days I had exceeded the recommended dosage, but had been fine. Walked, talked, drove, was in church, had witnesses blah, blah, blah. She told me that she could no longer prescribe it for me and I was basically like "DUH" I could see that coming. All seemed fine and I left and went back to group.
At 2nd group (just as at 1st) I had alerted the therapist that I would not be returning for the afternoon as I had important appointments that needed to be taken care of.. besides I had not even committed to the program.. but anyway.. I left at lunch to go about my afternoon errands and a few hours later received a call from a number not familiar to me. I let it go to VM and then I listened to the VM and it was my med Dr telling me it was urgent that I get in touch w/ her. I called her right away and didn't get her so I left a message. 13 minutes later she returns my call to tell me that she was doing a "302" on me and that I had to get to the hospital by 4 p.m. or the cops were going to come pick me up and bring me in.
Now, for those of you who are not familiar w/ a "302" it is when "someone has observed your conduct and feels that you present a clear danger to yourself or to other people. W/in so many hours you will be examined by a physician. If the Dr finds that you do not need treatment you will be returned to whatever place you desire w/in reason. If the Dr agrees that you are mentally ill and clearly in danger of harming yourself or someone else, you will be [involuntarily] admitted by the county administrator for a period of treatment UP TO 120 hours" (=5days). Then under my Bill of Rights it states:
"If you have been involuntarily committed in accordance w/ civil court proceedings and you are not receiving treatment, and you are not dangerous to yourself or others, and you feel you can survive safely in the community, you have the right to be discharged from the facility."
Here's a few things that are VERY wrong w/ this situation and how my freedoms as an American citizen were infringed upon. 1st... according to the 14th amendment the individual MUST BE EXHIBITING behavior that is a danger to themselves or others in order to be held. The hold must be for evaluation only and a court order must be received for more than very short term treatment or hospital (typically NO LONGER than 72 hours)------------if I was exhibiting behavior that made me a danger to myself or others why did the Dr let me leave her office to begin with? AND if I was a danger to myself or others why did she instruct me to operate a motor vehicle to bring myself into the ER? Plus, I was never given a 72 hour option it was 120 hours or longer.
Next is my 5th amendment violation. I was not free to remain silent. When you remain silent they use it against you (as per my psychiatrist when I was in the hospital) as proof of mental illness and then can incarcerate you involuntarily for a longer period of time. W/ each time they go back to court the time frame increases and be increased to 12 months and you have NO RIGHTS TO STOP IT!
* They were supposed to provide me w/ transportation by law to the ER. I was not to be transporting myself.
* A Dr MUST examine me in the ER. Never happened. He came in, sat on the plastic cot and said that he agreed w/ my med Dr and they would be admitting me.
* I received no papers on the "White Paper" court order that I was to receive
* I was not given the right to an individual examiner. There are 2 examiners and by law I have the right to choose one of them, meaning I could have chosen my own therpist and was denied that right
* For and EMERGENCY admission by law the Dr is to have OBSERVED MY ACTIONS FIRST HAND which she did not. She was merely going by what I had told her AND I had NOT USED that day... just the 5 days prior
* I was to have a court appointed attorney and I never got one
* In order to involuntarily commit they have to have reason to believe that I cannot care for myself, be safe in the community or will die w/in 30 days if not admitted.
* It was reported that I threw my phone at the check-in nurse when in all actuality I simply dropped it onto a chair from about 4 inches high up after i was advised I would not be allowed to have it while incarcerated. People w/ power can make your life miserable if they want to and there's nothing you can do about it and of course who are they going to believe? The nurse or the "crazy"person?
So, how free are we REALLY in the great US of A? From what I experienced your freedoms can be yanked so fast it will make your head spin, turn your world topsy-turvy and make you feel more depressed than you felt when you were free. If you didn't want to die before you were incarcerated you would after being locked away.
When you are "302'd" and you arrive at the ER this was my experience. I was taken back to the looney room. It's not padded, but it has a plastic cot-like "bed" in the middle of the room bolted down w/ a thin "mattress" and a sheet and blanket on top. There are 2 security cameras to watch you, a red buzzer when you need someone and a very narrow glass in the door by which you have to voice your needs.. mabe 3 inches wide. When you arrive a security officer brings you paper scrubs and tells you to change into them and ONLY if you ask will they escort you to the bathroom to have privacy to change, otherwise it is expected that you change in the looney room w/ an open glass on the door and 2 security cameras watching you. After they have taken your belongings and clothes they also take your shoes away from you. I was fortunate enough that my guard let me have pen and paper to which I could journal the whole time I was in there lest I REALLY go bonkers on someone and was allowed my phone.. even charging it for me about 2 in the morning.
They come in and they take your vitals. My BP was 158/98 since I was in distress it's no wonder. No one told me I had to pee in a cup but they did take 3 vials of blood which I am happy to report [and which should have been proof] there was nothing wrong w/ my blood except my white cells were slightly elevated and they concurred that was from stress...HELLO that should tell you right there I don't need to be here. If I was committing a slow suicide, which is what they were alleging then there w/b drugs in my system.. dontcha think?
I sat calmly writing for hours on end. When I finally did get up to be escorted to the bathroom no one advised me that "Hey, we need some of that in a cup" until about 15 minutes after I was escorted back to my room. I know this is TMI but I have to tell to get my point across. I have a tank for a bladder and I don't drink nearly enough liquids so generally i go to the bathroom 2-3 times a day and that's it.. so when the nurse came in to tell me she needed me to pee in a cup I told her it was going to be a long wait.
A few hours more passed and a crotchety old nurse came in advising me that I had been there for 6 hours and had not given them a urine sample and I advised her that if her staff had done their job and told me that they could have had it hours ago. She then proceeds to tell me if I don't pee in a cup they are giving me a catheter and I proceed to tell her that I will not be getting a catheter and I'd like to see her get my legs uncrossed to give me one.
Finally one of the staff from crisis comes in w/ 3 cups of water... ICE WATER... I DON'T drink ice water it make me feel icky and I hate the way it feels, it bothers me. Ask anyone who knows me.. my water is room temp and if its too cold in a bottle I will microwave it. So I tell her this and she tells me she not running a restaurant. I wait for the ice to melt and water to warm and its just not happening so I proceed to scoop all the ice out of all 3 cups and put it on the bed... yes I was being defiant.. I was beyond pissed at this whole ordeal! I drank the water and then when I STILL didn't have to go I rubbed all the ice cubes left on the bed over my face, neck, arms, and back trying to make myself cold enough to have to go to the bathroom for these creepers. Finally after that and walking for what seemed to be about 20 minutes I buzzed for them to escort me to the bathroom w/ my cup in hand (can I just say YUCK?)
The rest was a waiting game until a little after 7 a.m. [mind you I have not eaten since Tuesday nor have I slept and its now Thursday morning] A nurse pokes her head in the room and advises me that I should go to the bathroom so that I have a comfortable ride. I tell her I don't have to go and she advises me that I am on my way to Philly, about a 2 hour ride, and the ambulance WILL NOT stop for me to use the restroom... WHAT???!!!
A few moments later 3 folk appear and advise me I am going to PPI in Harrisburg after i was just told I was going to Philly. When I no longer have a choice I get up and go out and lump myself onto the gurney. The big fat man at my feet told me that would be enough of that and he of course received a few choice words from me that also involved me telling him that if he thought he was scary just cuz he was big he was talkin' to the wrong sister.. he didn't scare me one bit. He then fires back that he is going to get a restraining order.. WHAT??!! o-O Seriously and I advise him that I know he can't do that just cuz I got on the gurney in a way that he didn't want me to and that i would have to have touched him for him to get a restraining order and I did no such thing.. he had no grounds.
I took my ambulance ride over to the hospital. I was informed that I did not have to answer or do anything I did not want to... however they failed to mention; as i would later find out, that in doing so it would be held against me (as I mentioned earlier) when they went to petition the courts on my behalf and would keep me involuntarily incarcerated in a mental institution for a longer period of time. I then filled out paperwork&told them that on all of the days in question I spent time w/ people, while under the influence of the extra Valium, that could vouch for the fact that I was fine. I was not slurring my words, walking unbalanced, driving badly or suicidal. Those statements from those people on my behalf bought me my freedom so that I only had to stay 120 hours.
I did not eat for 4 days while I was there. I had intended to fast the entire time as it seemed the one thing I could control, but the smell of the food finally got to me on Sunday and I had dinner Sunday night after not having a bite to eat since the prior Tuesday. I got my clothes back after 24 hours and my shoes minus laces plus a plastic grip tag to help tighten them on my feet.
When i told the psychiatrist that I wanted to be on less meds and that I had asked MY psychiatrist to do so and she would not he was very puzzled and asked why. I told him that she said that what I had seemed to be working so why mess w/ it? That perplexed him and so HE changed my meds for me.
I won't bore you w/ the details of this whole incarceration; you can see me privately and I'll be happy to share my experience. I just wanted to make you aware of how quickly your freedoms can be removed from you and you have NOTHING you can do about it and this is supposed to be the free-est country on the planet. Think about it. Think about who and what you vote for. Think about not only how your vote affects you but also how it affects others.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Motivational Mondays Week 20: No status updates on FB for a week
20 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays. I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey. I have heard that your amount of growth is directly related to how uncomfortable you are willing to get. Join me this year as I get uncomfortable and get up off my duff.
So, on week 20 I decided to tackle #9: No status updates on FB for a week
For those of you on my friends list you know that I love to update. I love to tell my happy news, my sad news, what I'm watching on TV news, emotional news, random news, family news, friends news, bad date news.... basically if it's happening in my life it's considered newsworthy enough to be a FB post.
So, when I had to embrace the challenge of NO FB updates for a week.. I figured that my only way to be safe would to be to stay off FB.
Unluckily, I was locked up in the local psych ward for 5 days which ended up making me lucky as it came to this challenge and I am proud to say that from May 8th thru May 18th I had NO FB status updates.
I successfully attained this goal and can say that.. not getting on FB was the key.. and being locked up didn't hurt either.
Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" This rates a 5.
Just 38 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week
So, on week 20 I decided to tackle #9: No status updates on FB for a week
For those of you on my friends list you know that I love to update. I love to tell my happy news, my sad news, what I'm watching on TV news, emotional news, random news, family news, friends news, bad date news.... basically if it's happening in my life it's considered newsworthy enough to be a FB post.
So, when I had to embrace the challenge of NO FB updates for a week.. I figured that my only way to be safe would to be to stay off FB.
Unluckily, I was locked up in the local psych ward for 5 days which ended up making me lucky as it came to this challenge and I am proud to say that from May 8th thru May 18th I had NO FB status updates.
I successfully attained this goal and can say that.. not getting on FB was the key.. and being locked up didn't hurt either.
Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" This rates a 5.
So, @ the end of the 20th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.
Just 38 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
29. No FB for a week.
31. Wear something leg revealing
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Motivational Monday Week 19: Hug a Stranger
19 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays. I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey. I have heard that your amount of growth is directly related to how uncomfortable you are willing to get. Join me this year as I get uncomfortable and get up off my duff.
So, on week 19 I decided to tackle #21. Hug a Stranger
Well, this particular challenge I was NOT looking forward too at all, I have my space bubble and I don't like it being invaded by strangers, or certain relatives..but that's a whole other blog. I had no idea how I was going to meet it other than seeing myself randomly running up and hugging a stranger at the mall or something and then trying to get away before they could find someone to tell them they felt they had somehow been assaulted or victimized. No matter how I looked at it, it wasn't looking good for me. I also looked for a baby that was a stranger.. that was an easy out and not REALLY meeting the challenge, cuz there is nothing uncomfortable about hugging a baby..stranger or not.
I, however had the unfortunate opportunity to be locked up against my will at a local looney bin and it was there that I met a really nice nurse and we bonded over of all things....sneakers. I told her about how comfortable mine were if she ever considered switching brands and she came back to my room and checked them out and tried one on and was smitten w/ the sneaker. She said "you came in here because you*** needed my help and you ended up helping me!" and she came over and gave me a BIG hug and said goodbye since she wasn't going to be there the following day when I was getting discharged.
***Just clarifying that I didn't "need" to be in there.. someone got it ALLLLLLLL wrong, but I promise that story in an upcoming blog so that you can read how easily your freedoms can be removed from you in the great USofA
Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" This rates a 5.
Just 38 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week
So, on week 19 I decided to tackle #21. Hug a Stranger
Well, this particular challenge I was NOT looking forward too at all, I have my space bubble and I don't like it being invaded by strangers, or certain relatives..but that's a whole other blog. I had no idea how I was going to meet it other than seeing myself randomly running up and hugging a stranger at the mall or something and then trying to get away before they could find someone to tell them they felt they had somehow been assaulted or victimized. No matter how I looked at it, it wasn't looking good for me. I also looked for a baby that was a stranger.. that was an easy out and not REALLY meeting the challenge, cuz there is nothing uncomfortable about hugging a baby..stranger or not.
I, however had the unfortunate opportunity to be locked up against my will at a local looney bin and it was there that I met a really nice nurse and we bonded over of all things....sneakers. I told her about how comfortable mine were if she ever considered switching brands and she came back to my room and checked them out and tried one on and was smitten w/ the sneaker. She said "you came in here because you*** needed my help and you ended up helping me!" and she came over and gave me a BIG hug and said goodbye since she wasn't going to be there the following day when I was getting discharged.
***Just clarifying that I didn't "need" to be in there.. someone got it ALLLLLLLL wrong, but I promise that story in an upcoming blog so that you can read how easily your freedoms can be removed from you in the great USofA
Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" This rates a 5.
So, @ the end of the 19th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.
Just 38 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
29. No FB for a week.
31. Wear something leg revealing
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
Monday, May 12, 2014
Motivational Mondays Week 18: Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
18 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays. I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey. I have heard that your amount of growth is directly related to how uncomfortable you are willing to get. Join me this year as I get uncomfortable and get up off my duff.
So, on week 18 I decided to tackle #45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
In todays busy life and a life filled w/ emoticons and short cuts it has become bery hard to journal w/o using any &, =0, and so on. I set apart one day where I hournaled and did not use anything but the full written words. It was very hard and a I made a lot of mistakes, but I caught myself and corrected them. One of my challenges is to do this for a week...YIKES! It was definitely uncomfortable and I had to stay on my toes not to fall into my bad habits of abbreviating, but I did it.
Not anything too interesting this week... but there are a lot of hard things still left to be done.. none of which I look forward to.
So, here's to next week and what the week brings in getting out of my comfort zone.
Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" This rates a 2.
So, @ the end of the 17th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.
Just 38 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
29. No FB for a week.
31. Wear something leg revealing
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Motivational Mondays Week 17: Go out to eat w/ someone (non-family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
17 weeks ago on a quest in 2014 to face some fears and mainly move out of my comfort zones I began Motivational Mondays. I'm hoping to grow in many areas by embarking on this journey. I have heard that your amount of growth is directly related to how uncomfortable you are willing to get. Join me this year as I get uncomfortable and get up off my duff.
So, on week 17 I decided to tackle #17: Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
I don't know what my problem is , but I am pretty sure I know from where it has derived. Some of you know and others (probably, mostly family) will be surprised to know that I have wrestled w/ the phobia of eating in front of others and in public on and off since the 90's. For those of you, again, mostly family who wonder how this can be, let me just remind you of a little blue pill I take called "Valium" that has been quite instrumental in getting me thru those dinners out in restaurants w/o making a scene or having a panic attack.
Back in the 90's I met this amazing woman of God named Ruth Willard. She was just so sweet and precious and amazing. I used to spend a lot of time at her place in those days and the years to follow and w/o fail she would almost always offer me something to eat when we would get together. At first, when I said I didn't eat in public I don't think she was quite sure what to think, but I can tell you this...she never judged me or shamed me or made me feel as though there must be something REALLY wrong w/ me I mean, c'mon, who doesn't eat in front of other people? Thru patience and prayer after 6 long years I finally came to a place where I was able to eat something in front of her. It was a triumphant moment.
Fast forward about 10 years and I was right back where I had been and had no clue how I got there. I, AGAIN, was not eating in front of people or in public w/o valium in my system above the prescribed amount.
Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" This rates a 7.
Just 38 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
4. Audition for a stage show.
5. Go out to eat alone.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
10. Write a very personal song and share it with someone.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
15. Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week
So, on week 17 I decided to tackle #17: Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
I don't know what my problem is , but I am pretty sure I know from where it has derived. Some of you know and others (probably, mostly family) will be surprised to know that I have wrestled w/ the phobia of eating in front of others and in public on and off since the 90's. For those of you, again, mostly family who wonder how this can be, let me just remind you of a little blue pill I take called "Valium" that has been quite instrumental in getting me thru those dinners out in restaurants w/o making a scene or having a panic attack.
Back in the 90's I met this amazing woman of God named Ruth Willard. She was just so sweet and precious and amazing. I used to spend a lot of time at her place in those days and the years to follow and w/o fail she would almost always offer me something to eat when we would get together. At first, when I said I didn't eat in public I don't think she was quite sure what to think, but I can tell you this...she never judged me or shamed me or made me feel as though there must be something REALLY wrong w/ me I mean, c'mon, who doesn't eat in front of other people? Thru patience and prayer after 6 long years I finally came to a place where I was able to eat something in front of her. It was a triumphant moment.
Fast forward about 10 years and I was right back where I had been and had no clue how I got there. I, AGAIN, was not eating in front of people or in public w/o valium in my system above the prescribed amount.
Level of uncomfortable-ness on a scale of 1-10, 1 being slightly uncomfortable and 10 being "I am only doing this for my readers and will never attempt this again" This rates a 7.
So, @ the end of the 17th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.
Just 38 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
29. No FB for a week.
31. Wear something leg revealing
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the drive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
1 Year later...Why I advocate for psychotherapy.
I started counseling w/ my high school guidance counselor in the middle of my sophomore year. The year prior I had lost a VERY significant person in my life and felt like I had no one to talk to about it, so it all was jammed up inside and I needed to get it out and so she was the one. I spent a LOT of time in her office. Sometimes I would get off the Vo-Tech bus, around lunch is when I was returned to school, and go straight to her office and not see the inside of a classroom for the rest of the day. I still don't know how I passed my sophomore year or how she got ANY work accomplished as she poured so much time into me.
I continued to counsel with her all the way thru graduation and established a very good rapport. A rapport that would go on to be a friendship that I still cherish almost 30 years later.
When I went away to school I only "counseled" as was required by the program and as I needed when various things popped up in my life. I was quite fond of my counselor and we continue to be in contact to this day.
I graduated Empire as a cosmetologist 2 years out of high school in 1990. The next time I would see the inside of a counselors office would be 1994 when I entered a homeless shelter and as part of the requirements to stay there I had to be in counseling regularly. I met with this counselor for a few years who was very good for me. I learned a lot and uncovered a lot of stuff I didn't even know I was carrying.
Every time that I was in counseling I grew as a person, learned new things about myself, became a better "me" than the "me" who had entered counseling. Every counselor or therapist brought something new to the table.
It w/b 10 years before I would step into a therapists office again...this time by choice and for regular weekly appointments. As I "interviewed" therapists to find a good fit for me I always looked for and asked them if they were capable of kicking my ass should I need it. The 1st therapist was a young gal who I don't recall really learning anything from, but whom I loved going to shoot the shit w/ for an hour every week. I would end up losing coverage and therefore losing my ability to see her and so I went w/o therapy for about a year. When I returned, her schedule was full and she could not take on any new clients which forced me to find another therapist and start all over.
My next therapist w/b a very matter-of-fact, blunt, honest ass-kicker, all the qualities I thought I needed in a good therapist for myself, however, it became clear very quickly that her schedule was too full as well. Seeing a therapist once every 4-6 weeks is fine for maintenance, but not when you are in the throws of things. I finally discussed the issue w/ her and she recommended another therapist she thought w/b a good fit.
Stroll back to March of 2012. Many of you are familiar w/ me speaking very openly about my new therapist, Kate. Somehow, I felt that she was this "magical" being who could read my soul off to me after having just met me. Was that true? It would appear that way, but sitting back taking an objective point of view to the situation I can see now how she merely was trained very well to "know so much about me" after only just 1 hour. People go to therapy for a plethora of reasons so when she "guessed" why I was there and what I needed to accomplish I was in awe.
I would spend the next year working really hard in therapy. Kate, like her predecessor, took a very clinical approach to my therapy. For those of you who are unsure of what that means...here's what it means TO ME...right or wrong it's my point of view. A clinical approach to therapy is one where the therapist really has no involvement or personal investment in the client other than that 50 minutes on the dot, once a week. They do not hug, they will not comfort you when you are a blathering barrel of tears and above all they will not share anything personal w/ you...not even really emotions. I wanted Kate to soothe me when I was upset, hug me before I left and let me know a little bit about her. Did she understand what I had been thru because she too had experienced it? Was she creative like me? Oodles of questions ...
March 2013 Kate broke the news to me that she was leaving and would no longer be my therapist. 2 weeks from that day was our last session. I was a wreck! How was I ever going to find someone who I thought "got me" as well as Kate? How was I ever going to duplicate, what I thought was a wonderful rapport? I was in the throws of therapy and just STOPPING was not an option that was viable at the time. It was just 6 months prior that I had been inpatient at the local loony bin and there was WAY too much work to do to simply come to a screeching HALT. So, I set out to find another therapist. I searched the web and found a site named "Psychology Today" and there were "profiles" and photos of local therapists that I could search thru. After a few weeks of searches and setting up "interview" appointments, I began the interviewing process. There was REALLY ONLY ONE person on the list that I WANTED to be my therapist, but I felt it was unwise to look at a photo, read a small bio and decide "ok she's the one for me". So, I foolishly spent time and money on copays to interview w/ these other psychologists with whom I was not even remotely interested in sharing the gritty details of my life with.
May 2, 2013... last interview...1st choice #intuition #followyourgut #iknewthatiknewthatiknew
This day last year I was meeting w/ not just a psychologist, but a DR! I wondered what the difference was as it applied to my therapy. The interview went swell and I made up my mind, which was right all along, and decided that I would settle with the Doc. There was, however, a problem and that was that she was unsure if she would continue to to work with insurance and for me that was the only way that I could see her. I mean, there was no way I could shell out $120-$150 a week, file for reimbursement form insurance and wait for the checks to come rolling in w/o it causing a severe detriment to my finances. When I left, I told the Doc that I was done interviewing and that I had chosen her. I went home and called my dear friend Anni and we prayed together about the situation at hand.. would the Doc continue to accept insurance? AS WE WERE PRAYING I received an email. When we finished praying I opened it and low and behold it was from Doc and she said that she was going to accept my insurance!! WOW!! Talk about an answer to prayer AS you are praying!!!
That was a year ago and as I reminisced with her this past Friday on the 1 year anniversary date of our relationship as Dr and therapist, working together for a healthier me, I realized what REALLY works and doesn't work for me. She and I had this discussion a few months ago and I realized that unlike my other therapists she wasn't an ass-kicker and I hadn't asked her to be one. W/ that came the realization that I did not need to have my ass kicked in order for me to be successful in therapy. She's quite smooth in her approach...often accomplishing what's needed before I ever have any idea what has transpired...she's clever and witty and personable... yep.. I said personable. She has genuine emotions that she expresses and she's a hugger. She is NOT strictly clinical under my definition and therefore I believe I have accomplished MORE in the last year than in ALL of my years of therapy combined. I am more aware, I have accomplished more hurdles, I have trusted above and beyond what I thought possible and I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. I am better. God has used her to bring healing to many areas of my life in the last year. There is no doubt in my mind that God brought us together and that it is He, thru her, that has brought about so much inner healing.
I think that even when I am "done" w/ therapy that I will still be in therapy, just on a smaller scale. I believe that having that objective point of view from and "outsider" is essential and that under the right circumstances and w/ the right person, therapy can only make you a better you if you aren't afraid to face your fears and place your trust in another flawed, but non-judgmental human who is on your side and there to help you on your journey.
Thanks Doc! Here's to another year of healing and revelation.
I continued to counsel with her all the way thru graduation and established a very good rapport. A rapport that would go on to be a friendship that I still cherish almost 30 years later.
When I went away to school I only "counseled" as was required by the program and as I needed when various things popped up in my life. I was quite fond of my counselor and we continue to be in contact to this day.
I graduated Empire as a cosmetologist 2 years out of high school in 1990. The next time I would see the inside of a counselors office would be 1994 when I entered a homeless shelter and as part of the requirements to stay there I had to be in counseling regularly. I met with this counselor for a few years who was very good for me. I learned a lot and uncovered a lot of stuff I didn't even know I was carrying.
Every time that I was in counseling I grew as a person, learned new things about myself, became a better "me" than the "me" who had entered counseling. Every counselor or therapist brought something new to the table.
It w/b 10 years before I would step into a therapists office again...this time by choice and for regular weekly appointments. As I "interviewed" therapists to find a good fit for me I always looked for and asked them if they were capable of kicking my ass should I need it. The 1st therapist was a young gal who I don't recall really learning anything from, but whom I loved going to shoot the shit w/ for an hour every week. I would end up losing coverage and therefore losing my ability to see her and so I went w/o therapy for about a year. When I returned, her schedule was full and she could not take on any new clients which forced me to find another therapist and start all over.
My next therapist w/b a very matter-of-fact, blunt, honest ass-kicker, all the qualities I thought I needed in a good therapist for myself, however, it became clear very quickly that her schedule was too full as well. Seeing a therapist once every 4-6 weeks is fine for maintenance, but not when you are in the throws of things. I finally discussed the issue w/ her and she recommended another therapist she thought w/b a good fit.
Stroll back to March of 2012. Many of you are familiar w/ me speaking very openly about my new therapist, Kate. Somehow, I felt that she was this "magical" being who could read my soul off to me after having just met me. Was that true? It would appear that way, but sitting back taking an objective point of view to the situation I can see now how she merely was trained very well to "know so much about me" after only just 1 hour. People go to therapy for a plethora of reasons so when she "guessed" why I was there and what I needed to accomplish I was in awe.
I would spend the next year working really hard in therapy. Kate, like her predecessor, took a very clinical approach to my therapy. For those of you who are unsure of what that means...here's what it means TO ME...right or wrong it's my point of view. A clinical approach to therapy is one where the therapist really has no involvement or personal investment in the client other than that 50 minutes on the dot, once a week. They do not hug, they will not comfort you when you are a blathering barrel of tears and above all they will not share anything personal w/ you...not even really emotions. I wanted Kate to soothe me when I was upset, hug me before I left and let me know a little bit about her. Did she understand what I had been thru because she too had experienced it? Was she creative like me? Oodles of questions ...
March 2013 Kate broke the news to me that she was leaving and would no longer be my therapist. 2 weeks from that day was our last session. I was a wreck! How was I ever going to find someone who I thought "got me" as well as Kate? How was I ever going to duplicate, what I thought was a wonderful rapport? I was in the throws of therapy and just STOPPING was not an option that was viable at the time. It was just 6 months prior that I had been inpatient at the local loony bin and there was WAY too much work to do to simply come to a screeching HALT. So, I set out to find another therapist. I searched the web and found a site named "Psychology Today" and there were "profiles" and photos of local therapists that I could search thru. After a few weeks of searches and setting up "interview" appointments, I began the interviewing process. There was REALLY ONLY ONE person on the list that I WANTED to be my therapist, but I felt it was unwise to look at a photo, read a small bio and decide "ok she's the one for me". So, I foolishly spent time and money on copays to interview w/ these other psychologists with whom I was not even remotely interested in sharing the gritty details of my life with.
May 2, 2013... last interview...1st choice #intuition #followyourgut #iknewthatiknewthatiknew
This day last year I was meeting w/ not just a psychologist, but a DR! I wondered what the difference was as it applied to my therapy. The interview went swell and I made up my mind, which was right all along, and decided that I would settle with the Doc. There was, however, a problem and that was that she was unsure if she would continue to to work with insurance and for me that was the only way that I could see her. I mean, there was no way I could shell out $120-$150 a week, file for reimbursement form insurance and wait for the checks to come rolling in w/o it causing a severe detriment to my finances. When I left, I told the Doc that I was done interviewing and that I had chosen her. I went home and called my dear friend Anni and we prayed together about the situation at hand.. would the Doc continue to accept insurance? AS WE WERE PRAYING I received an email. When we finished praying I opened it and low and behold it was from Doc and she said that she was going to accept my insurance!! WOW!! Talk about an answer to prayer AS you are praying!!!
That was a year ago and as I reminisced with her this past Friday on the 1 year anniversary date of our relationship as Dr and therapist, working together for a healthier me, I realized what REALLY works and doesn't work for me. She and I had this discussion a few months ago and I realized that unlike my other therapists she wasn't an ass-kicker and I hadn't asked her to be one. W/ that came the realization that I did not need to have my ass kicked in order for me to be successful in therapy. She's quite smooth in her approach...often accomplishing what's needed before I ever have any idea what has transpired...she's clever and witty and personable... yep.. I said personable. She has genuine emotions that she expresses and she's a hugger. She is NOT strictly clinical under my definition and therefore I believe I have accomplished MORE in the last year than in ALL of my years of therapy combined. I am more aware, I have accomplished more hurdles, I have trusted above and beyond what I thought possible and I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. I am better. God has used her to bring healing to many areas of my life in the last year. There is no doubt in my mind that God brought us together and that it is He, thru her, that has brought about so much inner healing.
I think that even when I am "done" w/ therapy that I will still be in therapy, just on a smaller scale. I believe that having that objective point of view from and "outsider" is essential and that under the right circumstances and w/ the right person, therapy can only make you a better you if you aren't afraid to face your fears and place your trust in another flawed, but non-judgmental human who is on your side and there to help you on your journey.
Thanks Doc! Here's to another year of healing and revelation.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)