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What I am writing about is MY reality and MY feelings. If you feel that you fall into the category I am discussing and are bothered or offended--then confront me so we can have an open, honest, ADULT discussion. My post is an outlet for things that I am facing in therapy and perhaps there is a reader who needs to be told what I've been told. My blog is not meant to solicit in any way, shape, or form differing opinions in the form of compliments. I am not "FISHING" for anything nor is this meant to be a pity party. This is simply MY reality that I live with and have lived with everyday for as long as I can remember and my therapists possible solution and my thoughts and reactions to that.
For those of you who don't know I have very strong opinions about fat. My fat, other people's fat...doesn't matter...my opinions are strong and I will not apologize for them. That's why I said earlier if you get offended or hurt by my post (which is not about YOU) then you need to confront me so we can discuss it.
This is not the first time in my life that I have had a therapist (and others) confront me about my self esteem and the way I view myself. All in one way or another basically telling me that the way I view myself is not healthy and it needs to change. However, no one ever said to me that what I have been doing my whole life hasn't worked well for me and what IF, just what IF I was wrong and there was another way to see things. What about IF my view is not clear and there is ANOTHER view... all these "What If's" to consider... AFTER of course arguing my point that I don't know HOW to see anything else.
How do you be ok with something that's ugly and disgusting? How do you accept something you cannot stand, something you hate, something about yourself that is purely putrid?
YES, I do believe that if I were to be able to look in the mirror and honestly still say that I was content or that I accepted myself "as is" that I would be settling, meaning that it's ok to be fat and for ME it's not. And, YES, I do believe that if I settle there w/b no reason for me not to get bigger except it makes me feel suicidal and having put on 23 lbs so far in 2014 I am getting close to that point.
Admittedly, I am addicted. It's not an excuse, it's the embarrassing truth. Sharing a food journal for 1 day would be horrifying let alone sharing it for one week!
I could put all sorts of labels on the "why's"; depression, boredom, emotions, childhood trauma, PTSD, it's a wall so people don't get too close, blah, blah, blah. The truth is I really don't know. Mabe I am just like the stereotypical 600 lb person on TV who's just lazy, stuffing their face.
Admittedly, I eat too fast and I eat too much and I eat too late and I don't eat healthy. I eat preservative loaded "fast food" that can usually be prepared in less than 5 minutes in the microwave; food that has that special ingredient that makes your body just crave more.
I eat when I'm full, just because and I have a hard time leaving food on my plate since for 17 years it was basically drilled into my head that I had to "clean up all on my plate". Many times when I am absolutely full I will press thru and "clean up my plate" and make myself sick. I don't know how to waste food and it's usually not enough for leftovers.
I have no idea how to fight this demon that's a necessity. It's not like drugs or alcohol that you can live w/o. Our bodies HAVE to be nourished. I am tempted regularly to return to a Bulimic lifestyle. But, even if I lose the weight I will never FULLY lose the fat and I am still stuck w/ my face which is ugly that only plastic surgery can fix...and mabe then, not even.
So even if the fat is lessened since it will never be gone, then I have to figure out how to look in the mirror and be ok w/ my face--this shit is pretty damn hard!
The only reason I'm trying to do this is because I know it's more healthy, not because I believe in it or that I think it matters. Well, I guess it matters, but I don't see how it benefits me or how my life changes other than for the worse.
So, my therapist challenged me. Since I have spent my life sending myself negative messages, even though I believe them to be true, WHAT ABOUT IF I'M WRONG? She is only asking me to consider the possibility that I might be wrong and that there is more to me than the fat and the ugly that are all I can see in the mirror. She wants me to take the time to look in my eyes and see if I can see anything else. I never look in my eyes except when I am doing my make up and I have never looked for anything else other than their color or to see if they showed signs of me being noticeably drunk.. ha ha.
She asks me to consider the possibility since what I have been doing my whole life hasn't worked so why not try something else. My question to her was "Am I allowed to fake it till I make it?" since I can see NO OTHER WAY for me to be able to like what I see or see anything else about myself. That's all there is to me when I look in the mirror..that's all I see and I have no idea how to see anything else, BUT I do know how to act. I don't know how to act well enough to put this show on 24/7, but every so often...sure...I can pretend I'm fabulous just as I am.. but what a joke! She laughs and tells me "absolutely" I can fake it till I make it.
We all have voices inside.. not multiple personalities.. but different voices. This voice has been the one that has been yelling the loudest and the longest and therefore has been getting all the attention and being believed. Somehow I need to let it know that I hear it but am no longer listening and give another voice a chance to speak and be heard. The voice that sees more to me than fat and ugliness. I'm not convinced that I have that voice, but I must somewhere since according to God's word I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." She asked me what do I say to God about the way that I have been created and I tell her that I tell Him how mad I am, I ask "WHY" and I ask Him what the hell was He thinking?
I tell her that I look for a mate that has never had a weight problem so that genetically my children have half a chance of not having to go thru what I have been thru. I w/b very upset if I handed this gene down to my own kids.
So, am I going to escape my FAT reality? I don't know, but I told my therapist that I would try it her way. Easy? Hail no! But, if I keep doing the same thing I will keep getting the same result so.. let's try something else.
So, I'm going to fake fabulosity and see where it takes me.
Admittedly, I am addicted. It's not an excuse, it's the embarrassing truth. Sharing a food journal for 1 day would be horrifying let alone sharing it for one week!
I could put all sorts of labels on the "why's"; depression, boredom, emotions, childhood trauma, PTSD, it's a wall so people don't get too close, blah, blah, blah. The truth is I really don't know. Mabe I am just like the stereotypical 600 lb person on TV who's just lazy, stuffing their face.
Admittedly, I eat too fast and I eat too much and I eat too late and I don't eat healthy. I eat preservative loaded "fast food" that can usually be prepared in less than 5 minutes in the microwave; food that has that special ingredient that makes your body just crave more.
I eat when I'm full, just because and I have a hard time leaving food on my plate since for 17 years it was basically drilled into my head that I had to "clean up all on my plate". Many times when I am absolutely full I will press thru and "clean up my plate" and make myself sick. I don't know how to waste food and it's usually not enough for leftovers.
I have no idea how to fight this demon that's a necessity. It's not like drugs or alcohol that you can live w/o. Our bodies HAVE to be nourished. I am tempted regularly to return to a Bulimic lifestyle. But, even if I lose the weight I will never FULLY lose the fat and I am still stuck w/ my face which is ugly that only plastic surgery can fix...and mabe then, not even.
So even if the fat is lessened since it will never be gone, then I have to figure out how to look in the mirror and be ok w/ my face--this shit is pretty damn hard!
The only reason I'm trying to do this is because I know it's more healthy, not because I believe in it or that I think it matters. Well, I guess it matters, but I don't see how it benefits me or how my life changes other than for the worse.
So, my therapist challenged me. Since I have spent my life sending myself negative messages, even though I believe them to be true, WHAT ABOUT IF I'M WRONG? She is only asking me to consider the possibility that I might be wrong and that there is more to me than the fat and the ugly that are all I can see in the mirror. She wants me to take the time to look in my eyes and see if I can see anything else. I never look in my eyes except when I am doing my make up and I have never looked for anything else other than their color or to see if they showed signs of me being noticeably drunk.. ha ha.
She asks me to consider the possibility since what I have been doing my whole life hasn't worked so why not try something else. My question to her was "Am I allowed to fake it till I make it?" since I can see NO OTHER WAY for me to be able to like what I see or see anything else about myself. That's all there is to me when I look in the mirror..that's all I see and I have no idea how to see anything else, BUT I do know how to act. I don't know how to act well enough to put this show on 24/7, but every so often...sure...I can pretend I'm fabulous just as I am.. but what a joke! She laughs and tells me "absolutely" I can fake it till I make it.
We all have voices inside.. not multiple personalities.. but different voices. This voice has been the one that has been yelling the loudest and the longest and therefore has been getting all the attention and being believed. Somehow I need to let it know that I hear it but am no longer listening and give another voice a chance to speak and be heard. The voice that sees more to me than fat and ugliness. I'm not convinced that I have that voice, but I must somewhere since according to God's word I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." She asked me what do I say to God about the way that I have been created and I tell her that I tell Him how mad I am, I ask "WHY" and I ask Him what the hell was He thinking?
I tell her that I look for a mate that has never had a weight problem so that genetically my children have half a chance of not having to go thru what I have been thru. I w/b very upset if I handed this gene down to my own kids.
So, am I going to escape my FAT reality? I don't know, but I told my therapist that I would try it her way. Easy? Hail no! But, if I keep doing the same thing I will keep getting the same result so.. let's try something else.
So, I'm going to fake fabulosity and see where it takes me.
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