So, on week 4 I decided to tackle #15: Divulge something personal I have never told anyone before.
I think that most, if not all of us, know what it's like to share something intimate, or personal, or a secret with someone else or in the confines of a trusted group. Deciding to share something mid-life that you have never, ever shared with another human being can prove to be more than just a small undertaking. Once I made up my mind what I was going to share, I then had to decide who I was going to share it with.
I have the most AMAZING small circle of close friends, but even this was something that I wasn't sure that they would understand or even be able to grasp.. I could barely understand it myself or come to grips with the situation. Deep down I knew who I was going to choose all along, but that didn't stop me from questioning my decision to share this very private situation that I had kept to myself for about 20 years.
In the end, I decided that my best bet for a judgement free environment and some source of understanding if there was going to be ANY was for me to divulge something so personal with my therapist. Not only was I not going to be judged, but my secret would be safe and I could also get some sort of understanding if there was going to be any by confiding in her.
Once I made the decision on who and what then I had to decide when. I spent countless hours talking out loud in the house and in the car imagining how I would break the news and what the possible responses might be and how I would react to those and I, of course, thought of the worst possible scenarios that I possibly could and imagined just the worst that I could. I imagined that it would be received with calmness and help to me and I imagined that it would be received with shock and help to me and the worst possible was what would be thought of me and the possibility of losing her as a therapist. Let me add that the thought of losing my therapist is a result of ONLY my insecurities and NEVER a result of lack of professionalism on her part. She has told me repeatedly that that is not something I have to worry about... but I am insecure by nature and so.. I worry when I need not.
As I waited nervously in the waiting room I still wondered if I was making the right decision and if I should still go thru with this. When I was called in I went and got comfortable on the sofa and advised her that I had something that I needed to share and that I did not know how it was going to be received, but I hoped that she would just listen and help me.
In the end, I decided I could not say out loud what had happened and so I wrote it all out. After it was read and I was asked I gave details of the situation that I found myself in at the time. It was more than beyond normal circumstances and beyond the normal, everyday stressors that most of us face. What I had done I thought was so wrong. I didn't know. I finally stopped after giving all the background information and the living situation that I found myself in at the time and was told that what I had done was not only NOT WRONG, but also nothing that she would deem more than inappropriate at worst. There was a part of me that was still not convinced that I hadn't done anything wrong, but was assured that it would take time since I had told myself for 20 years the same thing over and over and it would take some time to undo those messages that had been repeated so often over such a long period of time.
The explanation that my therapist gave was one that was hard to receive but also if I could embrace it... a relief and a sense of freedom would follow. Guilt and shame and embarrassment about the situation would be a thing of the past whenever this memory would surface. A weight had been lifted.. just by opening up and sharing.
I am glad that I told her and I am glad for her response. I am glad that I was not judged and never have been. I am glad that I was still received as I had always been. I was glad that nothing changed. I am happy for the security and confidence I have in my relationship with my therapist. God uses her so mightily to reach me and to change me and to transform me.
It's true, that I could've taken the easy way out and shared something very simple but still something I never told anyone, but I decided to REALLY amp it up and not just step out of my comfort zone but take a flying leap of faith out of my comfort zone.
Just know, that there is someone out there whom you can share your pain and personal secrets with and if you don't feel that there is such a person... there is always God. He loves you just as you are and regardless of what you have done or not done. He is there ALL the time and you can find strength and solace in Him when you feel you are all alone.
Trust God, trust another human being, just trust someone and don't carry such heavy burdens. Share them.
Freedom awaits!
So, @ the end of the 4th week of Motivational Mondays I am proud to say I have achieved my goal and can cross it off the list.
Just 49 more to go... Here's what's left:
1. Do not sit in the back row at church.
2. Do not sit alone in the back row at church.
3. Introduce myself to someone at church I don't know.
6. Do not eat in bed for one day.
7. Do not eat in bed for one week.
8. Go one day without getting on the internet.
9. Post NO STATUS UPDATES on Fb for a week.
11. Use of the computer is restricted to the dining room downstairs for one week or if I move.. anywhere in the house except the bedroom.
12. Sit in a chair instead of being on the comfy sofa for one week of therapy.
13. Spend one evening watching TV downstairs.
14. Spend one week watching TV downstairs.
16. Eat lunch at work in front of my peers.
17. Go out to eat with someone (non family) and not ask to be hidden away in a booth somewhere.
18. Go w/o nail polish, even clear, for one week.
19. No texting (except my therapist) for one week.
20. Do not stay in bed past 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
21. Hug a stranger.
22. Invite someone over to my place and cook them dinner.
23. Make a dessert from scratch to share at work.
24. Go one week eating nothing from a can.
25. Go one week eating nothing purchased pre-prepared.
26. Try a new seafood.
27. Cook a meal for Mom and Mike.
28. Iron clothes for an hour straight
29. No FB for a week.
30. Go one week w/o eating leftovers
31. Wear something leg revealing
32. Go to work one day with no make-up on
33. Write left handed for a day
34. Give $20 to a stranger
35. Pay for the persons order behind me at the derive thru
36. Bless someone I know with at least $100
37. Cook dinner for my pastor and his wife
38. Go one day w/o using the microwave
39. Go 1 week w/o using the microwave
40. Wear my rings on opposite fingers
41. Get another piercing
42. Get another tattoo or get mine fixed
43. Dress up on dress down Friday
44. Use no emoticons for one week
45. Use no abbreviations or special characters when I journal for a day
46. No abbreviations or special characters when journaling for a week.
47. No use of color for one week
48. Have lunch in the cafeteria at work for 1 week
49. Take a local unfamiliar road and see where it leads
50. Have lunch with a co-worker
51. Consume 20 grams of protein everyday for a week
52. Eat fruit everyday for a week
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